Nagging Questions

What is this blog about?

Will I ever stop being such a zealot/know-it-all/discouraging person?

What is missing?

What am I missing?

Why is it taking so long before college begins?

What is going to happen between now and then?

I wrote that about two years ago. I saved it as a draft and never went back to it until this last month when I was looking through my blog, hoping to get back into the rhythm of writing. Question number 1 was answered in my previous post. This blog is about literature as I intended it to be, but not, as I intended it to be, one full of “pretentious”essays (post on that soon) about books or a portfolio of such essays. It’s a blog about me trying to get through studying literature, about finding my place in the chaos of preexisting words, texts, and ideas.

I can answer question number 2 in many ways. First, Amber from two years ago, shut up. Stop beating yourself up! Though, that hasn’t changed. I still beat myself up. But yes, because I’m around different people now (because of college) my attitude has also changed, and it’s going to change more and more because (and this overwhelms me) I’m not yet even twenty and it’s pretty safe to say that life hasn’t even begun.

What is missing from this blog? Nothing at all. That is, considering my previous intentions. But considering that I felt something was missing, I think it was missing a more personal side, a more casual side. A side more like my more recent posts.

What am I missing? I think I was missing the point that to produce anything, you just have to write write write! I even forget it today, or get distracted by things that need less concentration. See Cheri Lucas Rowlands’ Notebook.

To question number 5, I can only say that I was probably really bored and wanting a change. I feel like I both put college off a little too long but would have also been too young if I had gone in the same year my peers did. Maybe it was also because all my friends were in college and I couldn’t relate to them and couldn’t wait to go where they had gone.

I don’t know the exact date between when I wrote those questions and when I got into college, but reading it now, I feel a little sad that I was that bored. I tried to help myself, now that I try to recall. I read a lot, I tried to write a lot, I started to make and sell my art, tried to do a bit of theater, but it’s different when you know you need to be on your own. College feels like a bustling, non-stop adventure and I’m excited for what the next two years have in store.


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